he then added his sister, with teeth.

2011-12-13T02:49:00.001-05:00

Dirty bed from dirty heads sweat bullets until you see the sun or just have to imagine what it looked like that day my miniature drug store by your record player depletes that was the sweetest thing you should have never said to me the heat in the house turned on right as I was getting used to and started embracing the cold just adding blankets covering everything but my dirty head in our dirty bed my escape and haven but just your place to sleep

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2011-12-09T00:26:00.001-05:00

A call to a boy in rehab begging him to give me reasons not to attempt what I did this time last year knowing this time I wouldn't fail -- sometimes help comes from the weirdest of places -- I feel as if cursed -- I wouldn't do that to my grandma she's fine by the way she made it through the surgery they performed on her heart she's stronger than I that's all I really know for sure -- I wouldn't do that to you either I swore it to you from my hospital bed as soon as I could speak again -- maybe it's the season and the chemical imbalance in my brain clashing and persuading -- I didn't even know what I was doing I really didn't -- I promised him my life this time last year and I won't break it -- but what's a promise anymore? it's so much more than that -- pinky swear

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2011-12-08T01:25:00.001-05:00

Digging inside a

helpless wrinkled and freckled chest

a straight line cut between two

old and sagging breasts

Paralyzed mouth gaping

pills videotaping

Instructed to bathe three times

in a row

one in holy water

one blood

and one in snow

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2011-12-03T18:47:00.002-05:00

I wondered what my body would choose next.

Since i haven't touched an opiate in 6 months.

I think it chose sleep. A new addiction.

A new way to ruin my life and push people away.

2011-12-02T22:43:00.002-05:00

something about the smell of rotting flesh and fifteen minutes and going to the doctor every month and chipping teeth. something about womanly curves and brain vs. food and running around naked to not be mistaken for a 12 year old boy. something about you with other females and me not wearing makeup and not being able to breathe and how I don't think I own vintage clothing. something about being little and and my mom was a beautician and how the smell of tobacco and perfume at the bottom of a purse as my favorite smell and babies being pushed through teenage vaginas.

2011-11-20T23:46:00.003-05:00

I'll never be [insert anything here] enough.

2011-11-18T00:11:00.003-05:00

days and nights blur

sideways

it's always dark

sdrawkcab

2011-11-18T00:07:00.001-05:00

You get the popcorn, I'll go save us a seat.

cigarette rhymes I

2011-11-17T23:22:00.004-05:00

dreams of bathing in a tub of cancerous brains

ask me questions with your scalpel in my skull

i'll still be awake

yes i can feel my legs

carve my initials in blackened membrane

"i have a daughter who needs me

to be ok"

death came too early anyway

"are you at peace and did your hair grow

back" i would ask

maybe you'd laugh

obsessive compulsions with our hair

one of the small things we shared

another question before i wake

"am i doomed to your same fate

running rampant in the family

am i too late"

2011-11-17T23:14:00.002-05:00

I wanted the font in my Sartre post to be red

and a different font

I guess this computer doesn't like change

any more than i do

hey, hey, guys, hey

Is it red to you?

And another thing..

I started to do something

While I smoke cigarettes

I try to write.

Starting with the first drag until when

I flick it to the street.

Cigarette poems.

Newport Red 100 poems.

Maybe sometime I will time how long

it takes me to smoke a cigarette

If it gives me

some kind of ambition, if you can

call it that, to write

than I will write

during dirty habits.

My first one. Is up there.

2011-11-17T23:05:00.004-05:00

I was being like a revolver, a torpedo or a bomb.

I too, one day at the end of my somber life,

would explode and light the world with a flash as short and violent

as magnesium.

2011-11-17T03:10:00.001-05:00

t h e b o d y b r e a k s

2011-11-10T19:28:00.001-05:00

There's hardly room for me on the bed, creaking from the weight of my clothes and your misgivings.

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IT'S AN ACT I THINK SHE'S JUST PRETENDING.

2011-11-08T00:35:00.001-05:00

She had a name, she had a spirit, she had a line in the play if you wanted to hear it. "But a master of disguises her demise was her design," they said.

She said, "my name and my spirit are both corrupt and if you hold me close you better hold me up."

IT'S AN ACT I THINK SHE'S JUST PRETENDING.

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2011-11-06T03:40:00.001-05:00

"..He loves me, he doesn't love my bowels, if they showed him my appendix in a glass, he wouldn't recognize it, he's always feeling me, but if they put the glass in his hands he wouldn't touch it, he wouldn't think "that's hers" you ought to love all of somebody, the esophagus, the liver, the intestines. Maybe we don't love them because we aren't used to them, Maybe if we saw them the way we saw our hands and arms maybe we'd love them too"

- Excerpt from "Intimacy" by Jean-Paul Sartre

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2011-11-06T03:25:00.001-05:00

Harder to read than real diamonds are to break. I learned at a strip club that fake diamonds turn green under black-light. The same color as my face when I imagine how it'll end.

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2011-11-06T00:18:00.001-04:00

My silhouette is burned into the side of your face, she'll know, the one you took to take my place.

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2011-11-06T00:13:00.001-04:00

"You are my nighttime, you are the morning's headlines"

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2011-11-05T18:16:00.001-04:00

plagued with such minimal disasters

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2011-10-29T20:51:00.001-04:00

Making collages of things I find beauty in, with the medical tape they gave me after getting stitches when you cut me open and showed me the beauty of human insides.

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2011-10-16T01:36:00.001-04:00

Grave mistake made, dig deeper, fall in.

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2011-10-16T01:26:00.001-04:00

I held your knife so tight waiting for the pills to loosen my grip.

"Have you ever been so impulsive it has been out of character?"

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2011-10-11T01:05:00.001-04:00

Protruding chest bones down to uneven breasts.
"Am I skinny enough?"
They think they can cure you.
Everlasting comforting curse.

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2011-10-11T00:37:00.001-04:00

Stuck in-between
You seem so far away

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2011-10-04T17:36:00.002-04:00

the sun burns my eyes

no one make a peep

say your goodbyes

and go to sleep

i pray the lord my soul to keep

2011-10-04T16:31:00.000-04:00

verbal bulimia

2011-10-04T16:30:00.000-04:00

2011-10-04T16:21:00.000-04:00

scratch skin off legs

save in jars for rainy days

2011-09-22T10:45:00.000-04:00

2011-09-16T23:19:00.003-04:00

black so dark that it only could have meant death, it was covering the room faster than she could have been ever spread it herself, the ultimate and most permanent revenge

2011-09-08T04:15:00.001-04:00

My skin is on fire.

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2011-09-08T04:10:00.001-04:00

pills and sugar, fuel for the day, on your back in bed, head pounding, you pay

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2011-09-08T04:08:00.001-04:00

held in the arms of god, the realm of bliss before you're gone

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2011-09-08T04:06:00.001-04:00

spider bites prepare you for what's to come in the night

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procrastination fed by fear.

2011-09-05T05:35:00.002-04:00

My brain is completely
preoccupied.
They were supposed to help.

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2011-09-04T22:09:00.001-04:00

I've been trying.

But it takes all my strength not to

cross everything thing out

rip it to pieces

I don't like it, I can't do it.

2011-09-04T22:02:00.003-04:00

Habits.

2011-09-03T03:19:00.004-04:00

I'll fight for you, like I never did for him.

2011-09-02T05:44:00.001-04:00

A white flag of surrender poking out of sweat soaked sheets.

It's all my fault.
It's all my fault.
I know.
I know.

The word good put in quotation marks today.

Because I brought this on myself and everyone around me.

I will show you, whether I like it or not, because I don't have a choice..

I'll lose more than I'll ever gain

Little slaking figure.
Fetal position.
Dopamine, depleted.
How long until it's normal?

Don't tell me.
Don't..

I'll find out.

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maybe notes. or something else.

2011-08-31T23:27:00.004-04:00

sprinkles swirl

porcelain toilet bowls

did i spell porcelain right

heaven non-existent

(everything looks wrong)

existing only on a chest

of a brown haired lover

something..

people with microphones

in big buildings

they tell you heaven exists

than take your money

maybe people just need something

to believe in

because their children are

born with diseases incurable

their husband sees someone

else at night

or an addict thinks they

can somehow be fixed

higher power blah blah

flush the toilet containing

your dinner of ice cream and

whatever else

and leave it alone.

2011-08-31T20:52:00.003-04:00

today someone asked how old I was and they said they were thirty-one but they didn't look it because it was a very beautiful girl with a pixie haircut and a tooth that sticks out perfectly and i said i was twenty-three and i am going to be twenty-four in december and then i thought about this and that i am nowhere close to where i thought i would be when i was twenty-three and i am going to be twenty-four in december.

2011-08-31T20:40:00.003-04:00

i've never seen you sleep so long you almost beat me out of my best score because that's what i'm good at is sleeping and sometimes you sit up all night but sometimes you eat some of my medicine and it helps you to sleep and maybe it keeps the bad dreams away and maybe i kissed you a hundred times like i said or maybe it was just ten or eleven

2011-08-31T20:36:00.003-04:00

did you know god can die when it's inside you and i

stairs don't creak from beneath -wolf/convict gypsy

2011-08-31T20:34:00.001-04:00

testing testing

2011-08-12T02:31:00.001-04:00

1 2 3

This is only a test

Of how much you can handle

While sick and under pressure

Little problems seem like mountains

And I feel too worn out to climb

The only thing I climb out of is bed

While most people are wanting to

climb back in.

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2011-08-08T01:33:00.000-04:00

restless brain syndrome.

2011-08-07T23:41:00.001-04:00

I've had something stuck in my head for over a week now but I don't know how to get it out. It doesn't make sense but what really fucking ever does?

2011-08-07T23:36:00.002-04:00

my energy level is so low

i feel like my heart is working too hard

at least i'm working on getting

the toxins out

but it's hard

there's a reason for the cross imprinted

on suboxone tablets

turn the pill upside down

2011-08-07T19:17:00.002-04:00

The same face that I make when I look in the mirror is the same face I wear when I lie to your face and tell you I'm fine.

900th post.

2011-08-07T19:16:00.001-04:00

b l a n k

I'm going to start posting more, at least a few times a day, little word vomits.. To get back in the habit of writing more often.

2011-08-06T23:53:00.004-04:00

starting tomorrow.

save me

2011-08-06T23:53:00.001-04:00

D e a d in the d i r t .

2011-07-18T23:30:00.002-04:00

how do you repay someone for saving your life several times

why did you wait for me

you told me you knew i'd be back

but you're too beautiful for me

you tell me i get you

i tell you you're the only thing keeping my head up

even if it's just a little bit

just enough to breathe

what's this out of a lifetime

that's what i want to give you

stay with me

we danced in the kitchen like i said

maybe we can dance at our wedding

2011-07-18T23:21:00.002-04:00

we went out on the porch to smoke cigarettes

i was crying

i'm confused and scared

you bought me an ice cream from the ice cream truck

i'm like a child who's gone through things

most elderly human beings will

never have to face

2011-07-16T23:59:00.003-04:00

I'M IN A FOG.

I HATE EVERYTHING I WRITE.

RIPPING PAPER OUT OF NOTEBOOKS,

CRUMBLING, SCREAMING. NOT ABOUT

NOT BEING ABLE TO WRITE CAUSE I

WAS NEVER THAT GOOD, NOT AT ALL.

I JUST WANT A CLEAN BODY.

IT WANTS TO RUIN EVERYTHING.

OPIATE BLOCKER?

LIFE RUINER.

BUT IT'S CHEAPER.

They said it would make me foggy,

but it would also help,

and then put me on too much.

They just replaced an illegal drug with

one they could prescribe, but didn't do it

right. Not right at all.

I've never felt so bad for so long.

Suboxone, don't kill me, I have so much

I want to do.

2011-07-12T21:27:00.000-04:00

Atelophobia

2011-07-12T21:24:00.000-04:00

2011-06-29T18:04:00.002-04:00

rejected by its mother

only a few hours old

we fed it from a bottle

made sure it was warm

comfortable

it was reaching for something

something not there

he needed his mother

but mothers forget

we buried him in the park

named him angel

found a flower

made a cross out of sticks

all we had was a little shovel

but he was the smallest life

i have ever seen lost

Born Without Fingernails.

2011-06-25T00:03:00.002-04:00

Jady and I were talking about writing.

I was going through my blog, realizing that

Wolf inspires most of what I write.

I handed him the computer and told him to

free write me a "guest post."

It took him like five minutes.

He has such a creative mind, and I wonder

what it's like to have a head with all those

things running through it and the talent

to get it out. He tells me I'm his muse.

And he's mine.

He's the love of my life..

Go read more at jadyeighty.blogspot.com

virgin mary's tits

2011-06-24T23:21:00.002-04:00

free write a guest post? like a guest? like the ghost that keeps turnin the damn tv off and on.

she shot herself in the back in my tiny lawn. where i payed my respects to her with a tupperware full of drown peroxide prawns. i took them from some chinese buffet, they were red, now theyre white. little ghost friends for my gunshot head victim tonight. she said she got sick of me always complainin and hung herself from the showerhead and her hands around the rope, her feet in the tub sloped with water dripping from the ceiling.

ill be such a fuckin good kid from now on, whisper like birds at night until the morning.

to pornographic dreams to the hidden habits they're supporting.

wake up.

do you deserve to dress in swagger when kids smoke crack to your rap songs.

i want them to smoke crack to mine but all i wear are cuts on my arms.

i want to die.

...sorry, i know it sounds so damn contrived.

but everythin I do is derived from you.

so i molded my feet to the palms of your hands.

you rode the valleys and desserts over metal shells still buried in Japan.

you squeezed the life from my heart and heard lame a yell from a lamb

from my foots sole and into your heart.

i saw a video of a wolf bein drug underwater by an alligator once.

I also saw videos of parents taping their children on drugs.

i also expect there is no god.

we pulled up to a taco bell one night after the bar....

me and my other friend.

we talked alot.

i pissed on a dumpster and my friend in the bushes.

like bushmen. like indigenous people.

dumpster/ new york.

used to be.

I dont remember the rest.

white lace satin, skin, gold plated brass and

decorated picture frames hung around minks remains

and from the 1930s until of late

i thought of you and prey

from the 1030s until we're grey

we'll argue

about who i actually bought them for today.

prey pray......

2011-06-22T19:09:00.003-04:00

I'll love you on your good days

bad days

through sickness and health

til' death do us part.

i wipe you off of me

we go out to eat

maybe get some coffee, tea.

"hell isn't down it's up"

a roach drank some of your pee

it stopped moving after that

maybe you are toxic

but you're medicine to me

but unlike what i must take you won't

rot out my teeth or burn holes

in my brain

it's prescribed to me

so why do i always feel like shit?

i'm ok

hey hey

i'm ok

promises to take care of you

they will be kept

if you stay with me

s t a y w i t h m e

2011-06-22T17:24:00.000-04:00

2011-06-22T17:22:00.002-04:00

Philadelphia Weekly. So many articles about rape.

please don't blame the victim, please don't blame the v i c t i m.

2011-06-22T17:12:00.002-04:00

I haven't had much time to write or read recently.

I'm gonna try to get some things down.

Thank you for still reading.

I want to say an extra thank you to

to my beautiful and talented Eva

and Kaleidoscope Girl,

equally so.

writers so talented I am surprised

they take the time to read and comment

my ramblings..

Thanks everybody.

-Christina with love.

December part 33/10000

2011-06-14T23:03:00.001-04:00

They asked me questions but the words in my brain refused to come out my mouth.

At least you were good for something.

"We aren't going to step on any dirty needles are we."

"No," I thought.

I never took it that far.

"What did you do?"
"Can you hear us?"
"Can you say something?"

"Can you hurry?" Again, in my mind..

It seemed as though it took a hundred years for them to get me out of that house.

I wonder if they used the blaring siren the whole way.
Or just the "bloop..bloop" that they use if a car gets in the way.

I could write about it in a million posts,
until I finally wrap my head around
what happened that one night in December.

But I need to get it out.
But I don't know how.

2011-06-06T21:30:00.001-04:00

I've lost track of the days.
In the den of my wolf.

So come on, come on, come on..

Happiness.
Laughter.
Touching.
Music.

I strayed so far from where I truly belong.

In the den of my wolf.
Where I'll spend the rest of my days.

Karaoke night.

2011-05-27T22:37:00.001-04:00

Bringing you peanuts to work after buying over-priced pumpkin bread when I pick up the coffee that I think I need but most likely don't.

I know pumpkin bread makes you want to make me your wife. It's a joke for a second, but for a second I get silent..

Thinking.

Whatever, I love you too yea ya know?

"People on anxiety meds shouldn't drink so much caffiene."
"I know, but it doesn't really affect me.."

So, you made me coffee at like 1:00am before we both passed out.

Lights on.
Candles burning down.
You asking me questions that you already knew the answer to and
even if I answered you wouldn't have remembered.

Because I gave you a klonopin.
You were late for work in the morning.
It's ok cause you didn't get in trouble.

I'm writing this while I'm at the bar.
I need to learn to write again.
Because the only person who can make me write is back is back in my life.

"Don't hurt me."
"I won't leave until you dismiss me."

Fever Ray

2011-05-19T00:21:00.001-04:00

I rest for a minute or two then back on my feet to call for you.

2011-05-19T00:18:00.001-04:00

Your summer color is beautiful.

Notes.

2011-05-19T00:10:00.001-04:00

I found earrings that I could wear
As a crown while you scratched
at tickets
"I'm just trying my luck."

Pandora

Bright eyes - take it easy (love nothing)
Casiotone for the painfully alone - I shouldve kissed you when I had the chance

Anorexia hair
Fetus in fetu

Your milk is sitting on the dresser getting warm while your wife is strewn across the bed getting cold.

"I need some ibuprofen."
"Why?"
"Because my whole body hurts."

One

2011-05-16T03:57:00.002-04:00

I saw you today.

Two plastic frogs.
Missing limbs.
A bowl of lollipops.

Two beers and two shots of whiskey.
One for you and one for me.
"Cheers."
You forgot to slam your shot glass
on the bar before lifting it to
your mouth.
"I hardly drink anymore."
But you drink enough for the both of
us.
But it's ok.
I just worry.

"You lost weight since I last saw you."
I grimace.
I kiss you.
To let you know I love you more than
ten pounds you say I weigh.
If I was ten pounds, you'd have to
dig another hole next to the bird we
buried.
Maybe you'd decorate my box too.

"Where did you get your shirt?"
"From the store where I work."
"I like it."
I miss wearing your shirts.
For the short time before you'd peel
them off me and toss them to the floor,
until I'd pick them back up, breathing
heavily.
Or until you took them back before
I got too attached.
I thought they looked good on me.
They smelled nice.
Like you.
Your scent, natural, not masked
with deodorant or cologne.
That smell that makes me melt before
you even lay a hand on me.

I walked away.
I didn't look back.
Just imagined you riding your bike
the opposite way.
Too far.

"What was different about today?"
I can't put it into words so it's hard to
voice it to you.
Remember, I told you, you leave me
blank.. dazed.
In a good way.
In a beautiful way.

Not back, for forward I look.
To the house in the woods.
The children in the catacombs.

A cheers, a slam.
To the future.
Until it is not our own lives we
live, but each other's.

I saw you today.
Lone wolf, silent doe walking towards
you.
Hiding my insecurities with my bag.

This time you will not forget what
my voice sounds like

"Look at the clouds, I like them."
Two clouds appeared to be nuzzling.
That's what I saw anyway.

One for you. One for me.
One is you. One is me.
Not looking back, I concentrated on
them until they joined.

One.

Rougher

2011-05-14T23:57:00.001-04:00

Do you feel worthless?
I SAID do you feel worthless?
Yes.
Good, cause you are worthless.

A familiar smell. That familiar feeling.
Get it out. Get it out. Of my nose, of my mind. That scent in the air on that night in December. Hardly able to be called a smell as no one would recognize any difference.

Maybe the word atmosphere would work better.

The same atmosphere.
Desperation.
Because people can't smell desperation.

I have the words but they are all mixed up, swirling around, dissolving. They won't come out in time.

Like chemicals in a stomach.

Yet
A different
Year.
House.
Room.
Bed.

But the same as that one night in December.

2011-04-23T09:00:00.001-04:00

"Those awful clothes, that awful music, they were yours and they were beautiful."

2011-03-29T02:44:00.002-04:00

A decorated box a burial a prayer "fuck you, you retarded bitch." "I love you." "I'm high." Where have you been What are you doing Are you waiting for me P r o o f Waiting for me to give you proof. I took this picture. I was walking my friend's dog. I took him out to dinner. It's ok though cause he doesn't want me. What do I want? I don't know. Strength to tell him I'm unhappy. To be able to wake up before the sun goes down. The kitten. The wolf. A murder-suicide

Band Survey aka Boredom

2011-03-29T02:42:00.001-04:00

Pick Your Artist: THE KNIFE

Are you a female or male? GIRLS' NIGHT OUT

Describe yourself: EBB TIDE EXPLORER

How do you feel: IS IT MEDICINE

Describe where you currently live: BEHIND THE BUSHES

If you could go anywhere, where would you go? N.Y. HOTEL

Your favorite form of transportation: REINDEER

Your best friend is: HANDY-MAN

Your favorite color is: NEON

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: ROCK CLASSICS

What is life to you: A LUNG

Your current relationship: GOT 2 LET U

Breaking up: BIRD

Looking for: LASAGNA

Wouldn’t mind: TOMORROW IN A YEAR

Your fear: THIS IS NOW

What is the best advice you have to give: THE COP

If you could change your name, you would change it to: ZAPATA

Thought for the Day: PASS THIS ON

How I would like to die: THE BRIDGE

My motto: THIS IS NOW

2011-03-14T08:17:00.002-04:00

When I lived with my stepmother she used to yell at me for never washing the blankets I slept on and with. I don't know why people get all riled up about little things like this, or can't realize that maybe some people are comforted by burying themselves in familiar, natural, and human smells. I'd spend a lot of time in those blankets too. Blood, sweat, and tears. Literally. And other things. That was stupid.

When I was a teenager my friend drove me to planned parenthood so I could get the morning after pill and then we went to hershey park. The whole time I was there I just hoped I wouldn't experience side effects from it so I could ride the roller coasters. That's disgusting. This disgusts me. I disgust me.

I don't know why I'm thinking of this stuff.

Maybe because I got like one hour or sleep.
Maybe because I'm about to drastically change my life.
Maybe because I want to be curled up in my stinky blanket's at my mom's house.
Maybe I'm scared of growing up.

2011-03-11T00:04:00.001-05:00

Secrets secrets are no fun unless you share with..

No one.

Whenever I try to type the word "you" on my phone I usually screw up and write "toy" instead. Sometimes this makes me laugh. On the inside. I don't remember the last time I laughed out loud. It was probably today at something stupid. Oh yeah, swedish fish that cost 2.69 Keep your expensive swedish fish and your cold coffee for that matter.

Invisible.
Discarded.
Ignored.

You make me feel these things. Even though I can hear you breathing next to me. Toy.

The movie about Little Red Riding Hood that's coming out tomorrow made me think of you and I don't know why. Maybe because we went to the movies a lot and sometimes we got cheeseburgers even when we swore to go vegetarian. I wonder if I brought you a cheeseburger right now if you would eat it. Maybe not because you said you are sick. I don't like to hear that you are sick.

I care about people. I care a lot. I wrote something and I called it wolves and i showed it to you and then I felt embarrassed. Then last night I cried and felt even more embarrassed. It's just that you're beautiful and your special day will be equally so.

It just stinks here. Literally and the other word. Figuratively. I hope I spelled that right. The rain makes it smell and the smoke that's trapped in this little room makes it smell. Stink. Stank. Stunk.

A friend of mine told me that if my writing was shit he'd tell me. I haven't written anything but rambling for a long time and I think I like that best. I sent him something I felt complete and he said it was a good first rough draft. I soak in everything he says. It's weird.. He's dear to me. If I ever publish something I will call it Rough Draft: A Collection and dedicate it to him.

I washed my hair tonight.

2011-02-26T03:06:00.003-05:00

how can they have so many varieties but not one alligator. you'd think out of 80 different tiny stuffed animals they'd have one. thinking of 80 animals that would make it in the world as a stuffed animal has to be a little difficult? what about the little girl on john and kate plus 8 who loved alligators? she should have made alligator stuffed toys more famous because she, i guess, is famous. there's nothing i can do because i am, in no way, famous. i've only found two since i gave you that name, but maybe it gives me something to look forward to. maybe.

why am i always warm? always warmer than other people? always the one in a tank top and shorts with the window open while outside it's snowing. spending my time with someone quite the opposite, but they bear with it. extra layers. it's an unspoken way of saying they love me. i tell myself that. but i'm starting to realize there are too many unspoken things that may not be what i think they are at all.

my days consist of something i've always been afraid of. routine. lately it's been: wake up. let a bitter pill dissolve under my tongue that makes me hate everything orange flavored. it's supposed to keep the opiates away. go to the diner. i'm addicted to caffeine. and suppressing my appetite. go to rite aid. i'm learning the ways of the wellness cards. they had gatorade for 88 cents for awhile. fruit punch for him. low calorie fruit punch for me. i can't stomach the taste of regular red gatorade anymore. or the smell. ever since... come home. update the too many sites that i have. find my other half and try to talk to him. put a tv show on when that fails. take some more pills. get depressed because i know the next day will bring the same.

i don't want to be a liar. i can't say i hate liars because i don't hate people. i hate lies. they are the worst thing, i think, in the world. i came to you and told you that i had lied because i was getting butterflies that were bad in my stomach when it was just you and i sitting next to each other. my head couldn't touch your shoulder without it feeling wrong. you said you lost all the trust that you had in me and i know you had a lot. i also know you hold things in so there could be a tornado brewing inside you that will come out when i'm least expecting it. i've grown to love you so much.

eavesdropping. that's what i do. i don't leave my room while people are here. i hear them call me the weirdo upstairs. today i heard closet monkey. i'm sorry. it's not that i don't like you. it's just that i don't drink and i don't associate with people like the people who live around here for pleasure. if i have to i will.

i have to write my friend back. it's just been so hard. i delve too deep into the messages and all the words leave my brain and i can't reply. not because i don't want to. but because i can never measure up to what is written to me. i'm flattered that you even take the time to write me such a long message.

rabbits.

i'm lonely. and i'm bored. i can't really say that i am unhappy. it's been awhile since i've been able to say that. so i guess that's ok.

Too much.

2011-02-26T03:02:00.001-05:00

I have so much in my mind but it
w o n t
c o m e
o u t

In another dimension

2011-02-18T23:29:00.002-05:00

where we're living happily.

2011-02-18T23:14:00.001-05:00

Again.

2011-02-13T01:30:00.001-05:00

He's on to the next.
But his tongue was like velvet.
Your tongue was like velvet.

2011-02-07T18:31:00.001-05:00

Like a volcanic eruption.
L i k e a v o l c a n i c e r u p t i o n e r u p t i o n.

2011-01-31T22:55:00.001-05:00

I told you that I miss you and you said you miss me too. Then I reached out my hand and touched your knee with my fingertip. We miss each other yet we are at arms reach pretty much twenty-four hours out of the day. I'm laying here trying to pretend that I don't know what this means.

2011-01-26T20:48:00.001-05:00

We were too lazy to leave the house to buy white dental floss so I used green floss instead to sew this shirt up for you. I don't know if that makes sense, sew this shirt up. It's what I've always said though. I can tell which spots you tried sewing and where I grabbed it from you before you messed it up too badly. I think I bought you this. I guess you should be wearing it. Not me. I think you were wearing this shirt in one of the first pictures I saw of you and your new girlfriend. Well, ex girlfriend as of this time. I think I should take this shirt off now. It was on the floor so I just threw it on. Maybe I should give it back to you. I don't think I"ll see you anytime soon and if I do I doubt I'll be like, "oh hey, here's...your shirt." I'm supposed to be looking through this menu so I can pick something out for dinner. After thinking this hard about some stupid piece of cloth with fading letters I'm really not very hungry. I don't think I was really even hungry in the first place.

2011-01-26T12:57:00.001-05:00

"Death, of course, is a refuge. It's where you go when a new name, or a mask and cape, can no longer hide you from yourself. It's where you run to when none of the principalities of your conscience will grant you asylum." (Little Bee by Chris Cleave)

2011-01-21T10:26:00.002-05:00

You told me that song was about me but that line could work for anyone couldn't it? Kind of like when someone takes what a psychic says and makes it meaningful to their horrible life and think they're genius? I paid a lot of money to try and fit their tellings into my life once. And then the lady tried to make me buy a rock that would make me happy.

I just told you I hate you three times but I spelled hate wrong once and I guess that means I don't hate you as much as I think I do.

I also told you that I can't write without you and it's true. Look at this mess. Stare. Dead eyes dead.

People comment your writing and say it's good. It is good. Because it makes me cry. And things that make me cry are usually good. When things are bad I don't cry. I throw things at my blank walls. Anyway. People comment your writing and say it's good. They comment mine too. The same people. Those people should give me a ride to come see you again. Wouldn't that be funny?

101 jokes.
It's gonna make you famous.
Joke #101 "How do you kill a kitten?"
"You smile."

2011-01-15T01:56:00.002-05:00

2011-01-15T01:54:00.002-05:00

@Eva - That would be amazing. I would give one of my toes to be on a beach right now. Well maybe not, but anyway, thank you for being such a faithful reader and wonderful person.
@Ryan M - Thank you. I like you too already.

2011-01-08T19:46:00.003-05:00

I haven't written.
Believe me, I've wanted to.
"Why don't you just write in a notebook?"
Because people could see it then too.
And it hurts my wrist after awhile.
"Why don't you just write in your blog?"
Because it's too personal.
You will judge.

2011-01-03T02:15:00.002-05:00

The other side, astroturf riddled with burn marks from your natural cigarettes, the ones I always made fun of you for smoking.

A new year. Best wishes to all.

2011-01-03T00:31:00.001-05:00

"We are not alone, we share our stake and I think the winds all will be wonderful."

2010-12-31T21:04:00.001-05:00

2010-12-31T20:42:00.002-05:00

I hold the gun, you pull the trigger
Or the other way around
It doesn't matter
A partnership so toxic
This is no longer a relationship between two
It hardly makes it any better that the third party does not breathe
For they have no lungs
They do not have eyes
They do not have a heart
But it will rip ours apart
Even make them stop beating prematurely for that matter
Is this what everything we have is based on?
Will we have anything if we gather the strength to kick this?
Is this why I'm delaying doing so?

2010-12-31T17:08:00.001-05:00

They say you're getting better, but you don't feel any better. -thom yorke

2010-12-26T18:08:00.001-05:00

Circumstances that you play around with in your head until you can't walk straight.
Racing thoughts.
Escalating into something completely ridiculous.
Or is it?
Anyone can hide anything these days if they try hard enough.
What do you go by?
Your gut feeling?
My gut feelings just got flushed down the toilet.
Bitter coffee and the familiar ungodly acidic taste of oranges.

Choices made for you.
Take this.
Twice a day.
Until you act like society expects you to act.
Take this.
Twice a day.
Until you're slouching with your eyes half closed and you couldn't care less about anything.
But at least you can breathe.

2010-12-12T00:02:00.001-05:00

MAYBE THIS CONCOCTION WILL HELP ME HAVE A DREAMLESS SLEEP BECAUSE YOU WON'T GET OUT OF THEM AND I WANT TO FORGET YOU DID I SPELL CONCOCTION RIGHT

Spot on.

2010-12-09T22:39:00.001-05:00

"What was your birth, your mother going into labor in the backseat of a taxi---that's now your opening sequence. Losing your virginity is the climax of your first act. Addiction to painkillers is your second-act build. The results of your biopsy is your third-act reveal." -Chuck P.

2010-12-09T05:17:00.001-05:00

I would like if someone could give me some information about the dreams I've been having lately.

I want help with this because of how obvious the answers are to me.

Deadly cocktail

2010-12-09T04:48:00.001-05:00

Another hour gone by
Actually a little more than an hour
4:41 a.m.
I'm not feeling too well
I guess I can't sleep because
I slept til 10 p.m.
It's just so cold
I think my body goes into
hibernation mode
to protect itself
Or maybe to protect me
from myself